What She Learnt...

There’s this girl, lady, woman, human being, chemical concoction all wrapped into one who… like most, many, if not all of us… made a mistake in love, for love, or in pursuit of love… or, at least, the idea of it.

She’s not short of love as it emerges in its different forms or guises… but she was contentedly single for a long time, and then suddenly realized one random day and on similar sporadic occasions…

perhaps whilst sobbing during a romantic comedy or a ballad at full volume (this is authentic – Bridget Jones copied her),

or whilst crying on her way back from a back massage realizing how touch-deprived she really was,

or whilst stalking a greying couple ‘gefoofling ‘on a park bench saying ‘awwww’ a lot,

or whilst cooking a meal fit for an army… for one,

or whilst carrying a heavy burden (whether it be physical or emotional) all by herself,

or whilst unconsciously rocking a basket trolley in Checkers to and fro as though it were a pram,

or whilst lying awake in a cold bed during the ungodly hours of the night,

… that human beings, no matter how good they may be (or think they may be) at doing it, are not designed to be alone.

She had resigned herself to the fact that her story was not going to be someone else’s and that it would unfold as it should, eventually.  Bottom line, though, is that it remains perfectly acceptable and natural to crave human companionship and we are emotionally and psychologically designed to long for someone to share our lives with. She surrendered to that feeling, from time to time.

So, jumping through the how, when,  and what happened hoops, we get to hear what she learnt from her last mistake…and a real humdinger of a mistake it was. And remember that she is her own person… a very independent, but one-man-woman, faithful Fido, relationship-type-girl… so the rambling ahead may not make any sense to you at all if you don’t fit that bill.

1. Don’t rush into things…

It is true when they say that fools rush in.

Don’t rush in even if you are catching a whiff of the forties, hurtling mercilessly towards you (or you to it?).

Don’t rush in even if he walked into your life, serendipitously, the day after you aggressively prayed for him (like King Lear in the storm)… or drew a card from an Angel deck you shuffled really well that said you would finally meet the man of your dreams.

Don’t rush in even if he swiftly, even miraculously, ticked almost every item on that ‘ideal man’ list, which you wrote under duress by your Taoist friend who’s into visualization.

Don’t rush in even though you’re beyond flattered that he seems so taken with you too, in the wake of your wilting self-esteem spanning romance. 

Don’t rush in because your hormones are screaming and you’re so delighted to realize that ‘the engine still starts and runs’ but you’re afraid it will cut out.

Don’t rush in because you lost two friends in tragic accidents only weeks prior to his entrance, coupled with an unexpected cancer scare… and suddenly feel that life is desperately short.

Don’t rush in because you’re changing your tack to see what the new brings.  Don’t rush in because you’re afraid to lose his attention / interest, knowing full well that there are a host of chicks waiting in the wings to give him exactly what he wants… and at the drop of a hat.   

Don’t rush in even if you are worried that if you leave ‘it’ any longer, it won’t be a photographer you’ll need for your eventual wedding, but a graphic designer and Photoshop guru.

Don’t rush in because the fairy tales and movies say it’s okay and could well turn out for the best.

Don’t rush in because you want to or need to, because neither applies – if you do decide to rush in, because the abandoned gay told you to go for it, be sure you’re prepared to ‘take it like a man / woman’, whatever happens, with your feet firmly on the ground.

She says,  “You don’t know someone, until you know them.” Profound, I know, right? She says, “Quality takes time – you won’t know if the muffin recipe was in fact good, or just how good, if you don’t bake it in the oven long enough.” Okay, don’t know why she said that... think it’s time to move on to the next lesson learnt.

2. Be YOU. Always be natural – if that’s not good enough, then it’s not good enough...

Never compromise who or what you are… you can compromise when it comes to one night here and there watching grown men chasing an oval ball that doesn’t bounce properly whilst grabbing each others’ balls – that kind of thing, sure. But never compromise your essence – that is, your personal belief system, your morals and your values. Of course, you can welcome challenge… but if your notions survive challenge, then they are strong enough… and, what’s more, they are YOURS. It is so very important to be equally yoked.

Who has the energy to keep up an act for any prolonged period of time anyway?  Just hang loose and be you (I said hang loose, not be loose). If he is that elusive ‘one’, he’ll even find your irritating or somewhat icky bits amusing or endearing… if he loves you at your worst, then he’ll love you always.

Of course you want to please him, but NEVER do that at your own expense. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not so that he can think you are ticking his list of the ideal woman. If you have to change to make him like you even more, than he isn’t liking you, now is he? You are not in relationship to become what you think each of you needs.  You are in relationship because, for some reason, you just work so well together, you bring out the best in each other and life is that much more beautiful and interesting when you’re together than when you’re apart…  the excitement and intrigue of the ‘honeymoon phase’ will wear off, that is a given… but there is no reason for the phase following that to be even better, albeit it in a slightly different way.

She says, “Do you want REAL? Then you need to be REAL and get REAL.”

3. Trust your instincts implicitly...

So, this is a tough one to articulate clearly, because you can be in love-bubbling denial and call it your instinct too, right?

It can be very confusing, especially when hormones and elation stuff up your chemistry (albeit deliciously) and leave you thick.  All fine and well, but somewhere down the line your internal compass’ dial might swing wildly, your core’s alarm system might beep, your mine’s ‘canary’ might splutter in the vestige of toxic (to you!) fumes, and you will be in some kind of conflict with what’s happening from the outside to what’s happening  inside.

Don’t ignore it, don’t push it away and don’t deny it. There’s a lot going on inside of you and around you that you are not in tune with most of the time… and it is all about resonation. You don’t have to react violently or do anything drastic just yet. You don’t even have to take immediate action. But what you do need to do is listen to it… listen closely… and be mindful and cautious as you wait to see what it all means.

She says, “If it feels wrong, it is usually because there is something wrong.”

4. Living together...

She grew up shunning ‘living in sin’, but she has long since changed her mind about that. To get married and then move in together may emerge a terminal oversight … two people making a vow to love each other till death do them part extends beyond mere love. Cohabitation incompatibility can trample that lovey-dovey stuff in no time at all… and even result in death! But that is a subject on its own... moving along.

Living together is very revealing, and in so many ways.

She says: “You don’t know someone fully until you live with them.” And the profundity continues…

When to move in together is up to both of you to decide.  It might seem in conflict after point 1 of not rushing in… but you could expedite finding out whether or not this union actually works  by moving in together (carefully, now) somewhere down the line and save yourself a lot of time. You see, if he is a liar and a cheat, a professional Lothario, an unscrupulous juggler of women, a closet-full of skeletons, a schizophrenic psychopath, a Wednesday-night cross dresser, suffers from paraphilic infantism, is addicted to pornography…  all of this could be easily hidden from you if you just saw each other on weekends,  etc. Your relationship could continue for years in blissful ignorance… and, besides, if after a decent while you both don’t have the urge to share domicile, there’s probably something wrong there anyway.

She says, “Trust me, sometimes there can be things which you never would have thought and still cannot believe you never saw (or perhaps did not want to see)or imagined could be true. Serious things. Things that can render the person you think you love a complete stranger… someone who did not, in fact, exist.”

Broken hearts are mended with time… but HIV and STDs are here to stay. You need to be sure you’re entirely prepared to put your life in this other person’s hands, because that is what it comes down to I’m afraid.

5. Purge, forgive yourself and move on...

Of course, this is not her first mistake, and she continues hoping that it will indeed be her last one.

You have to forgive yourself for making mistakes… this funny thing called Love and all its siblings and half-siblings and hill-billy cousins and pets and distant circus relatives… it’s all a gamble. It’s all a risk. But, having said that… if you continue living only to protect yourself, you will never be touched by anything.

And don’t look around at ALL your married or coupled friends who can’t take their hands off each other and just radiate happiness and contentment and are still this way after 15 years of marriage and two perfect kids… and think that this failed relationship is just happening or has just happened to you. That you’re just plain unlucky and have been short-changed.  That you have officially missed the boat.

Don’t let your internal dialogue be: “You stupid cow - what did being good get you in life, really? A head girl badge, that’s all rusted and forlorn in a leachate-producing cell in some landfill site? Look at you, you’ve wasted so much time on training a few men to be a wonderful husband to someone much younger and more beautiful than yourself. Your ovaries are fast approaching raisin-status. Get over yourself and stop being so fussy – stay happy solo or settle happily.”

Balderdash. Comparisons are odious – you’ll find you’re comparing  everyone else’s highlight reel with your background scenes. Nothing is always as it seems.  And nothing is guaranteed to last forever (she gets lump in her throat and a crease in her brow as she reflects on this – and then switches to reconsidering botox). And some of the most beautiful female celebrities have also been dumped, divorced, duped, cheated on and so on. It happens. Shit happens!

If you can’t believe this happened to you, then your Ego is too big or getting way too much airtime… give yourself a break and send it to its kennel. At some point someone was interested in or loved you, and you didn’t feel the same way. Even though you may not carry one morsel of bad character akin to your mistake, you too… my Dear, have broken someone’s heart or hurt them.

You have to forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know until you found it out. 

And then be grateful you found it out sooner rather than later and that you emerged practically unscathed (yes, it could be worse… far, far worse).

The best thing you can do with a mistake is make sure you have learnt something from the experience that will positively serve your gut-feels, choices and outlook in the future.   You will have learnt something more about yourself, there’s no doubt about that. There are some facets of yourself you just will never know until you reflect it off other people ‘in relationship’.  And, the better you know yourself, the closer you’ll get to knowing what makes you truly happy… and then you can get on with it!

She says, “There are many unsavoury characters out there who are Masters of Deceit. There are some genuinely good people out there too, which may or may not be right for you, or you for them.  You may be bummed, but you simply must tarry on forward. Unless you want to be the monument erected to commemorate the mistake (who is moving on joyfully without you)?”

6. Don’t let one PRICK burst your bubble...

Believe that what you really want is still coming. Figure out what you really want first.

Believe that you deserve it and that everything is going to be all right. That everything is as it should be.

When you’re ready to step out and try again, do your best not to make the next potential heart’s fold pay for ‘the mistake’ before him and do not paint him with the same brush before you’ve even seen his undercoat.

Treat every relationship differently and with respect until it is not deserved.

Realize that when two people are involved, there are already at least two vantage points… two complex human beings not necessarily always in sync… two internal dialogues on the go that are rarely privy to the other’s utterances.

When you find ‘it’ she doesn’t believe it will be that much work. It will just work. It won’t feel like work. It will feel right. And survive the test of time.

Until then, cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Find a source of happiness elsewhere, but most of all from within… because the worst mistake you can ever make is pin all your happiness onto a significant other loving you. That just isn’t healthy.

And besides, you’re much more attractive (physically and transcendentally) in a confident, content and positive state and more likely to invite the right kind of interest from the right kind of person. People gravitate towards people that make them feel alive or good when they are around them. Tell me I am wrong about that, she dares you.

Until ‘it’ happens… go visit your mum or aunty and show them how much you love them. Walk in the forest and thank God for your working legs. Cuddle your dog who is always happy to see you. Kiss a friendly parakeet in the pet store. Have coffee with a friend, buy a stranger a gift, dance in the shower… do something, anything, nothing… but do NOT stew, chew on and obsess about a mistake... a failed romance. You know that what you focus on only magnifies. Get it out of your system as quickly as possible and carry on growing and nurturing your better self. 

Just surrender and be… and you’ll see.

Yes, it might be another mistake… or it might not be… but you will find out soon enough.