Occasionally, I lose myself...

Occasionally I lose myself... and allow dreadful insecurity to consume me...because I am, perhaps, not the best person I can be, or worthy of attention... because I am happy to wear clothes from Pep stores, and eat baked beans on toast, and venture out with unkempt hair and no make up, and laugh out loud from my gut, and save wrapping paper for next year. 

Occasionally, more than occasionally, I am guilty of not filtering my thoughts before I utter them... only because, just in case I have it wrong, I can be corrected, because I know my metaphorical 'glasses' are tainted by past experiences.  

Occasionally, I run myself down, without consciously acknowledging it, so that I can beat someone else to it and give the impression that I don't really care with humour. 

Occasionally, and especially when I am feeling ballsy, I pretend that I don't really care what anyone thinks, and throw in a swear word for emphasis... but I do care what those close to me do think. Occasionally I battle to let go of something best released... for I have a need, like a child, to understand things I can't understand... even though, in my wisdom and maturity, I know that I will never understand everything, and sometimes I really don't need to. 

Occasionally I paint people with the same brush and expect the worst, just to cover all bases in avoiding disappointment. 

Occasionally I am silly and foolish, hoping that I, at the very least, make my company laugh and find me approachable. 

Occasionally, I act entirely inappropriately... for I shirk social airs and graces at the best of times and surrender, instead, to my truth.

Less occasionally, I recluse from the world... albeit lonely, and rather empty, it's safe and peaceful, and I remain comfortable in my own company.

But betwixt all these occasionalities (poetic licence)... I remind myself, and get reminded by those who truly love me for the person I am... that I am just fine.  Whilst I remain flawed, as every other human being is, my flaws are not born of malice or indifference... and heavier on the self than on others.

I know that I am thoughtful and kind. I feel things deeply - an affliction at the best of times. I like to see my people happy. I will give the clothes on my back to someone who might need them. I never lie and I'm very faithful. I don't carry an attitude of entitlement and believe, strongly, that fair is fair. I know I get things wrong, and when I do I am hard on myself, and wholly prepared to say that I'm sorry.  I know that my expectations are built purely on the expectations I have of myself, and that this is not entirely fair to others.  I know that I cannot change anyone, and dare not try. I know that I cannot make anyone like or love me.

And I know that I am, very often, in the game of life, playing it at my expense.

But... I have a family (albeit small), and dear friends, who affirm my good place in this world and their lives. I know that whilst I am not 'rich' in the material realms, I am wealthy in those that can't be purchased. I remain grateful and humble... and I look forward to, one day, meeting my companion for life... who will love me as I love him... and we'll have a family, and all the 'holes' in my life will be filled.

And I will look upon the time spent thus far, as a time of growth and spiritual evolution... preparing me for all the wonderful things that lie ahead. A warm and content heart, ordained purpose, wonder and excitement... but most of all, love.