From Scratch Again...

I really recommend that you re-design your future, from SCRATCH again, at least several times more than once in your lifetime. It’s so refreshing, and one of the side-effects is that, if you allow it to, it can leave you feeling like a kid again. I think they often call it ‘re-inventing yourself’.

But, as with everything on Planet Earth, there are sacrifices. Nothing comes gratis, and I am not just talking about monetary things.

I am a smart chick. Especially smart in that I acknowledged, the moment I walked out of university with that rolled up, single-leafed ‘box’ tucked under my armpit, how little I really knew. A lot of the subject I studied has wilted in memory due to neglect. Still, it is in this subject that I am qualified and marketable. I believe that the main thing I learnt at University was how to assimilate and process, critically, reams of information quickly and efficiently. The subject is merely a side-kick.

I did not study exactly what I wanted to. I did every extra-mural activity available to me at school. Part of the reason was as a balm to loneliness. I was severely rejected by my peers at school. I was too sweet, too naïve, too sensitive, too soft, too silly, too odd, too pale, too much of an achiever. So I kept busy and fed my happiness with challenges and success. The other reason I committed to so many things is because, since I was two-bricks-and-a-ticky high, I have always been interested in just about everything. Just ask my exhausted mother!

So, I danced. I loved moving my body to music. I loved the costumes and set designs for shows. I loved the way it made me feel. I started acting, in school shows and the local amateur theatrical society performances. I loved taking on the role of another… changing my accent and my body language, my word usage, my posture, my clothes, my character and my story! I loved the costumes and the set designs for shows. I loved the way it made me feel. And I started Debating and Public Speaking. And I learnt how to think on my feet and hide nerves. And I won competitions. I loved the way it made me feel. And I became editor of our school newspaper. And I made it bigger and better by introducing community advertising, and using Coreldraw to design an attractive and professional layout. I learnt how much I love to express by way of writing and I started a passionate affair with the computer. I loved the way it made me feel. And I joined the Photography Club and discovered yet another friend in the camera. And I joined the Business Game, and Toastmasters… And I entered all sporting events, even if I consistently came last in javelin and shot-put, just to get points for our house team. And, well, as for academics, I did just fine. My favourite subjects were English and Mathematics – mainly because they came easy to me, and homework and good test results were a breeze. But let’s face it – with a little application, and a good teacher thrown in, school is really quite easy…if your hormones don’t get in the way, that is. My hormones were so shy and low in self-esteem that they remained hidden from the world, and me back then!

So, when I became Headgirl, and the matric finals passed by in a blur…it was time to plan my immediate future. Sensibly. At first, I thought that tertiary education was not an option at that time, but then I received a scholarship. My Maths teacher and Headmaster urged me to consider Actuarial Science. My English teacher insisted I pursue English. The other obvious contender was Medicine. Good marks and Medicine was a match made in Heaven, apparently.

I knew then that I would have preferred to have gone off to a School of the Performing Arts, or entered Journalism / Media & Communications. If you re-read my paragraph describing all the extra-murals I participated in, you’ll see a sentence repeated often: I loved the way it made me feel.

But, I went for Medicine. I cannot hold the ‘advisors’, in all their various forms, responsible. They thought they were giving me their best advice and I, in turn, respected and paid heed to their experience. I mean, what does a girl, fresh out of school, really know about the working world out there, let alone herself? I knew that I was fascinated by the human body and health and wellness, and I was, and still am, a nurturer by nature. So, I did it, and by another twist of fate, ended up veering off into a Science-dominated field.

A lot has happened since then. The road I have thus far travelled has been convoluted. I have taken many wrong turns, gotten stuck in mud, broken down a few times, free-wheeled for long stretches at others. But today, 34 years old, I have finally had the courage to admit to myself that I studied the wrong thing, and that I am way off course. Whatever I am doing now, it’s not working. Yes, I can do analytical. But it’s not dominant. This is not to say that I have not made the best of everything preceding this well-lit parking lot here. I have, and everything I have learnt and re-learnt along the way has contributed significantly to the multi-faceted and versatile ‘me’ of today. One who knows herself a whole lot better now, but remains the eternal student.

So…I have stopped careering down this road I am on. I am starting all over again. And it’s frightening, difficult and exhilarating all at once. I will still be at some mercy to the circumstances which prevail. I shall have to settle for much less. I shall have to be satisfied with perhaps starting at the bottom of the metaphorical ladder again. I shall have to accept that younger, less experienced or capable individuals than myself might end up being my boss. I shall have to endure judgement and snobbery. I shall have to eat large rations of humble pie again, and without complaint. I shall have to leave my comfort zone, indefinitely.

But I know that I learn quickly and in time, which is guaranteed to pass even more swiftly, I shall be all the closer to ‘loving the way it makes me feel’. I get to try again. I don’t have to sell my soul. I get to choose for me. I get to be the switched-on, revved-up, excited, stimulated, stoked, passionate, living me again! And I am not even afraid of the possibility of getting it wrong again, because, if I do, I shall have the confidence of experience to deal with it in a flash. But, somehow, I feel that my soul’s compass is more perfectly calibrated this time. There is no wrong or right decision. There is just a decision. And this one is ALL mine, Baby.

I only wish it had not taken me so long to get here.