1. Teeth
Now, bear in mind, I didn't have the cover as forewarning. This was one of a group of movies a friend had copied over to my hard drive. Bearing a title that didn't grab me in the slightest, I had saved this one for last. I remember one of the introductory scenes quite distinctly... coquettish girl with post-pubescent boy, both fitting the arcethype of a rebellious teenager. Punk metal playing in the background, they begin getting all 'hot and heavy' in his bedroom. The poor, pale, scrawny lad is overcome with excitement and, in the wake of the frenzied music, starts getting a bit rough with his Tease as he pushes her down, quite clear in his intentions to go the whole way (if you get my gist). Sultry, suggestive girl's 'yes' suddenly turns into a frightened 'no' as fear sets in. She attempts to push him away, but she's weak against his hormone-induced delirium. She struggles and screams, panicked, as he thrusts towards his climax... and then you hear an almighty: CRRUUUUNCH! This is followed by a high-pitched shriek from the boy who is instantly sobered by horror when he realizes... that his winky has been chomped off. What? His winky? Bitten off? By teeth? Teeth in her cookie? I had such a mixed reaction to this... horror, amusement, confusion, shock, embarrassment... I even looked around (in my empty batchelorette's flat) to see if anyone was watching me watching this! I was going to put this nonsense off right there and then, but I was intrigued to know the story. I mean, I have seen a full set of teeth that had grown in an ovary of one of our cadavers at medical school, but I doubt it had ever been functional in that setting. Well, folks... there is no story. There is no explanation for the gnashers in her nether regions and why they seem to have a life of their own, destined to protect her in Bobbit-fashion. I am not sure what the underlying message is, but if it is an attempt to curb teenage pregnancy it may just have one merit? I stand before you with a mouth full of teeth.
2. Wrong Turn
Basically, a group of good looking guys and girls take a wrong turn and end up lost and stranded in some dark, ominous woods. They come across an isolated cabin wherein they find human body parts... soon discovering that the cabin-dwellers are deformed, cannibalistic hillbillies. The rest is a gruesome yet predictable hunting game with these ugly freaks pursuing their new fodder. I stuck the gore out to find out how these monstrosities came to be. Was it a genetic deformation from inbreeding? If so, where were the females? What happened to them and why were they eating people? Well, I never did find out and don't care to, despite having found out that they've brought out four sequels since then, cor blimey!I'd rather read Emma by Jane Austen again than endure such hideous bunkum.
3. Idle Hands
A bone-lazy, pot-smoking teenager's right hand becomes possessed by an evil and murderous spirit, in keeping with the adage: Idleness be the Devil's playground. His demonic hand sends him on a killing spree, including the slaughter of his best friends who come back as zombies to aid and abet him (or at least keep him company). This movie unsuccessfully attempts to merge horror with comedy with not a slither of a storyline... and I can't even compliment the digital effects (no pun intended). What a load of bloody hogwash and an hour and a half of wasted Youth.
Anyway... that's all I have time for today. Use your precious time wisely. Over and out.
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