Left leads to the Forest of Lightness. Right leads to the
Forest of Intensity. I’m going left, folks. Forgive me, if you can. I don’t
expect you to understand for you have not walked a mile in my shoes.
Yes, I’ve had a gutful of intensity in all forms for too
long a period. And very little of it has to do with me. Yes, I can be serious.
Yes, I can be passionate. Yes, intensity can imply focus, detail, fullness,
richness, vividness… living life to the fullest, feeling things to its very
depth, and all the marrow-sucking stuff.
But I am momentarily and unequivocally exhausted, and have been for a
little while.
As a result, I have had to live in day-by-day, hour-by-hour
mode to maintain control and cope, and to save my beautiful, tender parts which
have been stowed safely. The position I
find myself in and have found myself in of late is totally unnatural, going
against every grain of my being.
In a nutshell, I have recently, and in the long-term, dealt
with persons who are wired completely differently to me. Persons that lack
empathy. Persons who operate in a Universe that is parallel to that which
includes genuine emotion. Persons I never expected could be this way towards me
by their very association with me. Persons who neither received, appreciated nor wanted my love.
The intensity I aspire to is that of the beautiful kind. The
intensity I have been immersed in is of the ugly kind. Yes, even intensity is a
coin with two sides. And when you’re on the dark side of the intensity coin, it
is not just bad, it is horrifying.
I recognize that I am a nurturer. It is my natural
inclination, and in no way contrived. When I am in a relationship (whether it
be familial, romantic or otherwise) I come second to my person (and not
begrudgingly so). In the wrong hands, I can begin to lose myself, get scuffed…
So, you see… I need to get back to me again. And, to do
that, I need to isolate myself. Only in isolation can I be truly selfish for a
little while, and not selfish in the negative sense… merely selfish in terms of
taking care of ‘me’ and reconstituting myself.
In the right hands I know there will be no loss. But sometimes we make
the wrong choices based on deceptive information. And sometimes we have no
choice. And I'll do every other person I enter into a relationship with from this point forward a disservice if I enter it as tarnished and fragile as I am now.
So… right now, my being needs to switch off the emotions and
disassociate for a while. What I need is simplicity. Peace. Light. To be relatively unencumbered. Accountable ONLY to myself. I need to heal. Rest. Be quiet. Not
only hear but listen to ‘me’. Rediscover.
And I have not been able to do that up until now…
Soon, I will be in a space that is my own. A space that does
not make me feel unwelcome; a space that does not require that I compromise my
authentic self (which is good); a space
where I need not walk on eggshells or live in fear of rejection, animosity or
unfounded wrath. My own cocoon.
And then, I’ll get back to me.
I want to be a hunter again... I want to see the world alone again... to take a chance on life again...
And, perhaps, soon... or not so soon after
that… and only then… will I be able or willing to open my heart again.
The chrysalis is never shared.
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