From Mistrust to Distrust

Distrust and mistrust are roughly the same. Both mean (1) lack of trust or (2) to regard without trust. But distrust is often based on experience or reliable information, while mistrust is often a general sense of unease toward someone or something.

So... I am still Covid-19-vaccine-free. And if you care to understand why, let me try and unpack it for you (and for me, because I need to have this conversation and it feels like I cannot have it with most without being scorned, ridiculed, judged, defamed, and dead-ended). 

The unvaccinated are irresponsible?

When this all began, of course I was scared. ‘Pandemic’ is such a loaded word. I adhered to the rules and socially isolated as far as reasonably practicable (which is easy with toddlers as we are in bed by 19h00, no family near and I have never been one for large crowds anyway). I biked everywhere. I never took my kids into the grocery store. But I also realized that this was all new and it would take time before we would know better what we were dealing with and how best to handle it. And disturbingly soon afterwards, the 'antigen-specific' lateral flow tests and  ‘vaccinations’ came out, initially aimed to protect the risk groups; the vulnerable; the elderly with weak immune systems and probable co-morbidities; the ones succumbing to the virus. And then, suddenly, they wanted to roll it out to everyone, ad hoc. And my GUT instinct screamed NO. I would wait and watch. There was not enough rock-solid knowledge or evidence for me to depend on my brain, so I depended on my gut for it has never let me down.

At this time, I was not entirely against getting ‘vaccinated’. But I was also not confident about this new novel product being safe and effective. This vaccine technology had never been used in humans before. This medical product had not been through all the tests and trials required for approval. It was only approved for emergency use. Some of the published ingredients are for research purposes only (not intended for human or veterinary use!) so who knows what it does to the body short-term or long-term. I am a cautious user of all things. When I shop for material things alone, I do my homework and deliberate before I make a purchase (born of budgeting and non-materialism). When I shop for food, I read the labels and try to ensure that I buy the truly healthy stuff, preparing as much as possible from raw, natural ingredients. When it comes to pharmaceuticals, which is always a last resort for me, I deliberate even more vehemently because it is going into my body and influencing my health. When I was pregnant, I did not take so much as a headache tablet because I was not prepared to pose any risk to my growing foetus. It is especially because I am a mother of little ones, who wishes to see them thrive, that I will not have myself injected with an experimental substance unless I am 100% convinced that it will benefit my health with no life-changing consequences (risk/benefit ratio). 

Are you more scared of the vaccine than catching Covid-19?

Another mother asked me this when she realized, with evident horror, that I was vaccine-hesitant. It did make me think. Of course, I was scared of catching this new Covid-19. I had no idea how my individual make-up would cope with the infection. Would I recover or would I get really sick and end up in hospital and possibly die? But, I was for some reason more scared of this new chemical cocktail and what it would do to my body. And if I had irreversible health complications from the ‘vaccination’ which I voluntarily accepted (and you have to sign a liability exclusion document, I have been told!), I would have myself to blame.  And if I had irreversible complications from a Covid-19 infection, I would have Nature to blame. In my mind, the latter was more palatable. My gut consoled me that I was a healthy person with no serious co-morbidities and that I would most likely recover if I caught it thanks to a strong natural immunity which has also seen me through life without a flu vaccine. I was not yet convinced that this ‘vaccine’ was a good choice for me and I am essentially the only authority on my body. 

Pharmaceutical intervention for Personal Health, Public Health or for Freedom?

Pharmaceutical drugs are chemicals that are designed to prevent, diagnose, treat, or cure a disorder. It is indisputable that there is never a one-size-fits-all for everyone in medicine. We all have a unique physical and chemical make-up further individualized by our lifestyle and life’s course. When it comes to drugs, I do not even trust a doctor. I trust, more, a pharmacist. I was a medical student for 5 years before I veered off into Science, and the pharmacology block was only 3 months in the MBChB programme. Pharmacists study pharmacology for the entire duration of their studies, and doctors just a fingernail’s worth. Often, I have had to draw my mother’s doctor’s attention to a prescription written out for her which happened to be incompatible with her other medication upon close inspection! 

The speculation (and I can use this word now more than 2 years later) was that this ‘vaccine’ would prevent Covid-19 infection and transmission (much like all the standard vaccinations we’ve known and used for decades?). But, as I waited and watched, younger and healthy people were running out to get vaccinated… but NOT for health reasons. In my milieu, some were getting it to protect their elderly loved ones, which is a noble intention based on the information they were fed. But most were getting it for freedom… freedom to live normal lives, enjoy entertainment and consumerism and travel, etc. There again, my gut instinct hollered: “Something is not right here!” No one should be getting vaccinated for ‘freedom’. Losing autonomy of your body is not freedom!

Stupid people ask questions?

A year in, I went to see my GP, who I held in the highest regard. She’s a Western Medicine Doctor who is also a homeopath and acupuncturist. Her practice had already started a ‘mass vaccination campaign’ (financially incentivized, most certainly), and I wanted to have an intelligent discussion with her about this ‘vaccine’ to see if she could allay my fears and satisfy my queries enabling my consent for the same. I could not finish my sentences. She snubbed my questions with statements like: “This is about Solidarity. Stupid people are going to die. You have a higher chance of getting killed on your bike to work than from this vaccine. By the way, I cannot wait for my nose and toes to start glowing, hahahaha!” And right there and then, my shutters went down. And I walked away even more vaccine-hesitant than before. I still think my GP is a fabulous woman, but in this regard she failed me as a medical influencer. The more I searched discussion, the more it was disparaged, and often aggressively so. That rang my alarm bells.

Trust the Science? Trust which Scientist?

This is the most anti-science statement I have ever read. Questioning science is how one does science. I happen to be a qualified scientist too, having majored in Medical Microbiology and Immunology. I am not a famous scientist or a highly experienced one, having forsaken a chunk of my career for child-rearing. But, I am educated. Educated at University by fabulous educators and educated by an ardent interest. After graduating in one of the communicable disease capitals of the world, I worked in a lab on vaccine research. I have conducted PCR tests. Our research project had a 99% failure rate. That’s research. We had no breakthroughs on our project by the time I moved on. That’s science. It is trial and error. It’s captivating, frustrating and sometimes creepy (they tested our vaccine formulations on rats and guinea pigs and a couple of times I had to go to the animal unit to fetch the collected spleens for assays which admittedly freaked me out). 

When I graduated from University, I was humbly familiar with how little I knew, if that makes any sense to you. The more you know, the more there is to know. In my eyes, there is no such thing as an expert, just someone who knows more than another about a particular thing but never knows it all. (There was and still is no Covid-19 expert... it takes years to cultivate an expert.) The knowledge is lost when not used, and dynamic as new things are learnt and updated. Even that is influenced by who is financing or calling for ‘the study’; what they’re looking to show or model, etc.   

What I did learn at university was how to assimilate and digest a lot of information critically. I already ask more questions than the average person because I am qualified in this arena. And I love Microbiology and Immunology so much that I ask even more, because it fascinates me.

I want to be made aware of everything and decide for myself. As I became aware of other information censored on mainstream media by qualified, educated people like me, now dubbed conspiracy theorists or medical dissenters, not just my gut hollered again: “WTF?”. Every fibre of my being did. 

Why can we not discuss, debate and hear all sides and opinions from the collective intelligence? We need to consult with virologists, immunologists, clinicians and vaccinologists on this topic. Those who want to know more, should be allowed to know more. A good theory or conclusion survives challenge. If you want my informed consent you need to allow me to feel wholly informed. I am smart enough to sift through the crap and draw my own sensible conclusions.  Mainstream media has also spread mis- or disinformation. Think about it: “Do not take Ibuprofen. The vaccine prevents infection. The vaccine prevents transmission. The vaccine prevents illness. Unvaccinated people are going to die. Etc.”

“When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you’re only telling the world that you fear whe might say.” George R.R. Martin. 

Microbiology 101

An enveloped respiratory virus spread by airborne micro-droplets: how arrogant is mankind to think they can control this on a global scale and by mass vaccination? No, it is not the unvaccinated people’s fault the virus mutated. Stop it! The virus is mutating all the time, with or without you. Its superpower is survival via mutation. I dare not say that mass vaccination has driven mutation. Of course, I may say that. Prove me wrong, that I dare you!

A virus is generally fragile without its host. When it finds it is killing its host, it will mutate to not kill it in the best interests of survival. This is a natural propensity of viruses, in most cases. This is what Omicron looks like… one that evades death by vaccinal antibodies but also avoids killing its host by emerging as a manageable cold concentrated in the upper airways. Of course, we cannot say anything for sure, but Omicron could be a Gift from Nature… the only way we could possibly achieve the long sought ‘Herd Immunity’. By same, I am starting to think I need to unlearn everything I learnt at university and from the literature and start again from scratch. I am no longer sure about anything. The 'Studies' and 'Experts' that fly by on an almost weekly basis... it blows my mind and makes me think that the whole academic-approval, fact-checking, legitimacy checking system is broken and corrupt. Like I have said before, it takes a lot of time and effort to earn the title 'Expert' and Studies, in my time anyways, took months (even years) to publish because they had to pass through so many hands for screening and approval. Seeing is no longer believing. 

Nature is a force to be reckoned with and I will forever remain in awe of it. Nothing beats Nature in the end. Nature can obliterate us in no time at all and with hardly any effort or premeditation. All man’s most amazing inventions have been modelled on Nature and still cannot match up. And that goes for our natural immune systems, when in good health and working order (this is key) and not damaged by toxins and abuse from within and without.  The wonders of our innate immunity and acquired immunity will probably never be absolutely understood or recognized. Perhaps our whole perception and labelling of it is flawed and it is actually the microbial mass of us that provides adequate competition for surviving. 

Enough is known to make the claim that our natural immunity will almost always be superior to vaccinal (man-made) immunity. So, why the hell (and forgive me if I begin to sound aggressive… because what I am is passionate about this) are they wanting to still 'vaccinate' people who have recovered from an infection? Since when They did not get severely ill or die. Their natural immune systems dealt with the infection. They have an immune memory. Why on earth should they contaminate their bodies with nanoplastic ingredients (which can cross the blood-brain-barrier) and the likes, which cause an undirected manufacture of spike proteins somewhere in their body and God knows what else and artificially overstimulate their immune system which just did a very good job? The Covid-19 ‘vaccine’ selling point was: it will prevent infection (NOT), it will prevent transmission (NOT) and it will prevent severe disease, hospitalization and death (PERHAPS in some cases for a brief period but also NOT necessarily – enter Antibody-Dependent Enhancement and negative vaccine efficacy). And for the latter point, AGAIN, if someone has recovered that means they did not get very sick, land up in hospital or died, and therefore they do not need a 'vaccine' to protect them after already having been infected! A vaccine is supposed to be preventative.

Hyperbolic Infection Control

As an unvaccinated person, I needed to have a fast test (lateral flow test) every single day to go to the office. The vaccinated did not need to test. They could infect me, but I could not infect them (the ‘protected ones’). Irony, much?

I could do the test at home, which I have to do anyway, three times a week, for my kids who are back in kindergarten. Honestly, I do my test at home better than many of the ‘trained’ people who do it at the test centre – at times they just tickle my nares. But, I guess, they do not trust this 46-year-old ADULT, a fiercely responsible mother to two children who has a medical degree, to be honest and thorough. So, I traipsed to a test centre day in and day out in my already tight schedule, and what I saw there blew my mind. Firstly, you are not allowed in when you have symptoms – so thoroughfare is by rule, asymptomatic. We all know that viral load and vehicles of transmission is lower in asymptomatic people should they be harbouring an infection. Anyway, they’re dressed for a bloody contagion! Disposable coveralls, mask and visor (that, I get) and double gloves, with a new pair between nose swabs. Sorry, but as a microbiologist I want to say: “Is this not a little over the top, ladies and gentlemen? You’re sticking a cotton nib on a long plastic rod into my nose for a couple of seconds, and then I am gone. No physical contact with my body and this is respiratory-borne. This is not haemorrhagic fever! I regularly go grocery shopping (at least I may still do that!) and touch fruit and vegetables and packaging and sometimes filthy money never mind my germ-transporting handbag . It has been over two years and I have not yet tested positive. Is this level of ‘protection’ necessary or part of the fear-mongering-into-submission strategy? Is it necessary to generate so much plastic waste? There’s already enough being generated from superfluous fast tests and disposable masks. More damage to the environment, and perhaps in so doing breeding another new pathogen to send us into panic?”

Is being ill such an inconvenience?

I come from a country and culture of tough cookies where access to pharmaceuticals is limited for many reasons. I thank God for that. Where I come from, getting occasionally sick is part of life. We sweat it out. It is uncomfortable and inconvenient. It is your body saying, time for time-out. Sometimes it is downright awful, and maybe even scary. But a lot of the symptoms are a sign of our bodies doing their thing to fight adversity. And we come out the other side stronger than ever before, never to be touched so hard by that particular microbial adversity again. In most cases anyway. I like to think of getting ill as an immune software update... pain in the ass while the wheel turns, but after that we run better and are more invincible again.

I remember in one of our peer-reviewed medical journal chatties at med school an article in the Lancet entitled: “Let Them Eat Dirt”. It spoke about our unwarranted hygiene phobia… that we’re always sanitising and disinfecting things. That behaviour is fine in a hospital where disease collects, but in a home setting, in your immediate germ milieu, we need to live in harmony with each other. We keep each other healthy by way of competition and immunity-gym.  The article in question went on to say we are keeping our kids too clean and that is why there is so much more paediatric and adult allergies and immune impairments emerging. I never forgot that. It made so much sense to me. Our kids’ immune systems are naïve. Their immune system software is in the ‘development’ phase, so to speak (actually started from the inherited immune data from mom).  They need to get dirty. They need to be exposed to the environmental germs. They will get sick. It will suck but they will get better again and they will emerge as stronger adults. The more sick they get early on, the less sick they will get later, if you get my gist.  I was worried in the first lockdown that our little ones were missing out on very important immunity training by being so isolated. We went outside as much as possible and I let them get real dirty each day.

Do not BULLY me.

I do not take kindly to bullying. Firstly, because I was severely bullied at school. I was a very innocent and naïve young person who would greet the sun and even the vacuum cleaner. I trusted everyone and was perpetually gobsmacked when someone was mean or nasty. I never saw it coming and I could never understand why, when I was nice and polite and friendly and loving, that that would somehow spur animosity and ridicule. God help me if my kids ever get bullied at school… I may well have an exaggerated response to that.

Secondly, I am an educated, astute and responsible, law-abiding citizen. But, what has unfolded in the midst of this ‘Covid vaccination’ frenzy, almost a cult, is nothing short of bullying. Suddenly if I question ‘the narrative’ I am an anti-vaxxer or Covidiot or danger to society. Me?! A healthy person, obeying all the ridiculous rules out of respect for others and just in case, not infected, not producing spike protein in my body from this unknown chemical concoction … I am a danger to society?! Out of all the vaccines I have had in my life, I have never experienced a vaccine that coerced me to wear a mask and keep a distance even when fully vaccinated. I have never experienced an incentivized vaccination or one that discriminates against those who choose not to have it. I have never experienced a vaccination that keeps loved ones apart and threatens the education and livelihood of people and particularly children.

The alogism! The argument of my getting vaccinated to protect the people around me has fallen away because it is clear as day that the vaccinated can transmit the virus too. If I am not infected, I cannot pass an infection on. If I have no symptoms, I am not likely to pass an infection on. The impetus for unvaccinated to get vaccinated is that we are not protected from severe disease, so basically if I were to get infected, I am supposedly more likely to be sick and dying in my bed because I am not vaccinated… and at home, isolated and in my bed I cannot infect anyone. The outbreaks at events where only recovered or vaccinated people may attend and all with a negative test only underlines the alogism of all the pretexts. If the vaccinated are protected, why are they afraid of an infection? Why are they afraid of an ‘unprotected’ person? The unvaccinated should be afraid, as they are not protected, right? 

This is MY body and I shall decide what I do with it. And no, it is no business of anyone else. It does not affect you. And it is unethical to expect me to make health decisions considering people I do not know. I would not willingly deprive my kids of their parent based on the opinion of someone else. My trust is not automatically granted, it is earned. 

Long Covid

I am not yet entirely sure about this ‘phenomenon’ but they were talking about Long Covid 6 months into the pandemic, and my initial thought was, Covid has not been around that long? What is Long Covid then? I read that the symptoms were, apparently, extreme fatigue, shortness of breath and brain fog. I joked with my husband that I would not be able to tell the difference if I had it because after the lockdown I had become quite unfit (enter shortness of breath) and I have been suffering with extreme fatigue and concomitant brain fog ever since my first child was born! Now, I do not mean to make light of something which might be serious for someone else, but it is in my Nature to dispel my own fear and anxiety with humour because I function better without fear and anxiety. 

Fear and anxiety alone makes me unwell.

The parental strain did apparently hit the lungs and I remember having similar symptoms after I caught Mycoplasma pneumoniae from my son. I was short of breath for a long time, and when one doesn’t breathe nicely one gets tired quickly and tiredness brings brain fog. But eventually it passed with good nutrition, supplements, exercise and lots of fresh air. I came right. 

What I can say is that this decidedly vague ‘Long Covid’ narrative has been the reason a lot of mothers in my circle ran to get vaccinated. It scared the hell out of them. It seems though, from publications on the mainstream media, that Long Covid also has an end because they speak of people having had (past tense) Long Covid, now two years later. So, I see it, for now, as a perpetuation of how the infection affected particular individuals – probably those who would be just as susceptible to having a worse case with lingering effects from any one of the respiratory-borne illnesses that exist. It sounds very much like post-viral fatigue I have since then read missives indicating long covid symptoms post-vaccination. And the symptoms also echo those of vitamin deficiencies and immune impairment. But the Jury is out on this one. It is still largely speculative and not cast in stone.

RED FLAG for 'vaccinating' children.

When they started rolling out vaccinations for children, first in the 12-17 year category, and more recently the 5-11 year old category, that is when my alarm bells rang most and I saw red. Why, oh why, were they prepared to roll out this human experiment on healthy children when it was not healthy children who were dying off in hospital? Healthy children were most often carrying the infection asymptomatically which means it did not affect them at all. They have a naïve immune system. They do not have a cytokine storm – their immune response is so different to that of an adult. Their incredible immune system is in its development phase. If they get infected and recover without a problem, they are set to have a lifelong, cross-reactive natural and acquired immunity to something they are going to be living with for years to come.  Why would I inject something into them which contains ingredients that are for research purposes only and have never been used for human or veterinary therapy. If there are long-term effects, they are the ones who will live with it. Why interfere with their superior natural immune system. And do not go and compare this ‘vaccine’ to the host of others on their routine immunization list. One does not compare apples to pears. 

And in what world do we inject our children to protect ourselves?!? Have we not learnt from history? Leave our kids alone!

Hypocrisy

The hypocrisy abounds… I want to only eat bio. I want to reduce my exposure and possible consumption of microplastics. I am cautious of what I put into my body. I want to do my bit to minimize waste and pollution to save the environment. For us and especially our children.

But, I am happy to contribute to the 130 billion, most not biodegradable, face masks that will probably end up in the ocean and other water bodies which will take about 450 years to break down into microplastics and enter our foodchain. 

I am happy to add millions of lateral flow test kits for endless and unwarranted asymptomatic testing to the waste stream.  

I am happy to inject a substance into my body that contains ingredients like nanolipids and other chemicals not before used on man, which can cross the blood brain barrier… that makes our body produce spike proteins to mount an immune response… an undirected manufacturing trigger… which is why some spike proteins are manufactured by the pericardium or the myocardium and get attacked by our immune cells… which is why there is the possible myocarditis and pericarditis... and God knows what else… 

AND…  do not give your child raw honey or cow’s milk until they are older than a year, reduce their sugar consumption, be careful with this and be careful with that… but we are happy to blindfoldedly inject this into our CHILDREN, as young as 5, without being entirely sure what the long term consequences may be?

We are happy to inject this into a pregnant woman whose system is connected to her foetus?

We are happy to inject this into a mother who is breastfeeding? 

The world truly has gone mad.

Inconsistency corrodes trust.

Consistency breeds trust. And I am not talking about the consistent mainstream narrative which is shamelessly running on repeat on mainstream media hypnotizing the masses into dystopic compliance, all the while censoring and removing anything that may go against it, regardless if it holds some or complete truth. I think one of my greatest advantages these last 2+ years is that I am not plugged into mainstream media, and moreso plugged into my gut. This has allowed me to maintain sound critical thinking. To not take everything at face value. To ask questions. To smell rats. 

There is something much bigger and more sinister in play here than simply a respiratory-borne infection and a heavily punted experimental solution for it. If you cannot see it, smell it, touch it… then you are entirely numb, I am afraid. I hope and pray you wake up soon.

Get vaccinated and you will be protected from an infection. Get vaccinated and you will less likely be infected. Get vaccinated and you will be protected for 6 months. No 3 months. Then get vaccinated again. No, that will not last, one more time. Get vaccinated.

Get vaccinated and you will protect those around you by not infecting others. Get vaccinated and you are less likely to infect those around you. Get vaccinated.

Get vaccinated and you will be spared severe disease progression, hospitalization and death. Get vaccinated and you will less likely suffer severe disease… Get vaccinated.

The vaccine is safe and effective. Side effects are rare. Not all side effects are known. No long term side effect. Long term is still coming. Let’s vaccinate children. Then we will know if there are long term side effects.

No one is safe until we are all safe. The unvaccinated pose a threat to public health. A healthy, fit, not vaccinated person who is not infected is the reason why you cannot live freely and why this vaccine campaign is failing, my compliant ones. Get vaccinated. 

Vaccinal immunity is superior to natural immunity. If your natural immunity worked to cure an infection, you still need to get vaccinated because in 12, no 6, no,  three months’ time you are no longer protected by your natural immunity which protected you substantially the first time around? Get vaccinated.

Even if you are vaccinated you must wear mask to protect those around you. Keep your distance. Get vaccinated and mask up and keep your distance, and test every day, and soon you can have your freedom. As long as your vaccination status is up to date. Get vaccinated.

My Lord… do you not SEE this madness? 

Analysis Paralysis

Never trust statistics you have not fiddled with yourself. 

And when you’re focusing too closely on one thing, you stop seeing all the stuff around it.

I have witnessed it for myself for decades, how figures get fashioned to achieve the desired result. In cases of morbidity and mortality, there are so many factors and so much context which is excluded… firstly, based on the fact that no one individual is a text book case, and that when you’re focusing on one thing, there is a lot you can overlook, especially if you are not looking for it or looking for something else. 

We see well over 95% recovery from Covid-19 yet they focus on the Death Toll which has not really significantly exceeded that of prior years, and they push mass inoculation all the same. 

And then we learn about the Death Rate not being entirely representative as those who died with Covid were not distinguished from those who died from Covid or from medical malpractice (using the wrong treatment, and too little too late – Remdesevir, Midazolam, Ventilators, etc.).  

Furthermore, early on a consortium of medical professionals confirmed that an early safe and effective treatment protocol reduced severe disease, hospitalization and death in most cases, yet they carried on sending people home in isolation, denying them this early treatment protocol and waiting until it was too late to help them.  

And then there’s the financial incentive to hospitals and health care facilities when they’re dealing with a Covid patient (with or from) which could well skew the stats as well in the best interests of economics (a consistent driving force) under the guise of public health.

Conclusion:

I waited and watched. Two years down the line, I am still negative and I will not receive this inoculation. I hope to God that it does not turn out to be something really sinister because many people I love and care for have believed, trusted and obeyed for all the right reasons. My faith in the government and healthcare and pharmaceutical industry and the media has dwindled and it is up to them to gain my trust again. It is also entirely their fault that I no longer trust them. And the anger that is shown towards me for asking questions and not being satisfied with the answers reveals that it is because I am not being stupid and complying. Anger has everything to do with them and nothing with me. They are in place to serve us the people, and I am a member of the people and they have not convinced me in any way that they have my best interests at heart. So, until such time that someone does, I will not comply. 

Out of respect for people psychologically affected by chronic fear, I will wear that mask where I have to and keep my distance, but I can go without shopping and eating out and being entertained. I will play with my kids in the park or the forest, or on the lawn or in their room. I will read them stories and we will make our own concerts at home and pull faces at each other. We will dance to music and make yummy food together from nature’s ingredients. We will draw and start hobbies, build puzzles, etc. Just leave us alone. We will be ok and live with the consequences of our choice, whatever that may be. But, if you dare try to force this upon me or my family, in spite of everything that has already come to light… and make it hard for us to nourish ourselves and live in shelter, then you will see me fight. And I only fight Evil.

 

Crowning Obscurity – Corona Chronicles from a Microbiology-proficient Mom

I first published this on 18 February 2021 but unpublished it shortly after because of the animosity and aggression it generated which I had no time or energy to tackle intelligently. Now I am going to put it up again... and then I am going to write something new... reflecting my standpoint in the almost year that has passed since I wrote what stands below...

As my title suggests, I am going to muse about Covid-19 as a relatively senior mother of two toddlers, coupled with a degree in Microbiology (attained before Medical Technologists replaced Microbiologists) and not having worked in the field for quite some time. A mother who does not have the time nor energy to read through all the peer-reviewed literature, never mind find it, but with the innate desire to know and understand more… even beyond that which we are allowed to see.

Microbiology has always fascinated me and always will. Even though one needs an electron microscopic or other means to detect and experience viruses, they have always made ME feel magnificently small. I remain in awe of the microbiological world, without which we could neither live nor thrive, forget not. Microorganisms live within, on and around us, between us, for us, despite us and in spite of us. 

I have more often than not found myself pulled in both directions in the face of humanity and how we deal with our littlest living counterparts. Most are unobtrusive, necessary, vivifying and of great service to us and our environment. They keep us healthy, they make us strong, they clean up our mess, they seek to assist the environment in achieving balance, etc. And just like us, there are baddies… and sometimes they win and sometimes they lose, and sometimes there are casualties and sometimes there are none. But, unlike us, they do not have brains, but perhaps that is what makes them infinitely smarter in one particular area: surviving. That is all they live for doing, and their very beings are bent on this one solitary thing: stayin’ alive. They do this so incredibly well because they are also spared all the hindrances we have as a human race: feelings, politics, financially-controlled systems, etc.  Wait a minute… maybe they have feelings too, we are not smart enough to know that!

Now, let it be said upfront… I am not a Conspiracy Theorist; but I am a thinker and challenger, aware of all the missing information. I am also not an anti-vaccinator; I am a cautious and deliberate user of tried and tested man-made products when I deem them necessary (and I take full responsibility for my ‘educated’ choices). I have allowed my children to have all the routine vaccinations that have been in circulation for decades to endpoint the debilitating illnesses they were created to curb.   

I appreciate that we were gifted minds with a capacity for intelligence that allows us to solve problems. I also appreciate that most of the problems we have, have been created by our very existence. We are essentially a greedy, comfort-seeking bunch who tends to take things too far and inevitably at the expense of something else. Nature is about balance, and we perpetually upset it. And then we find ways to repair our damage, instead of not damaging in the first place. We are reactive instead of proactive… because that suits us and it makes money and creates jobs and heroes. The original doctor was more of a lifestyle coach who assessed your unique make-up and helped you live in a way that prevented you from getting sick. The modern doctor is there for short visits to give you medicine to mask, hide or treat a developed illness… and we have all bought into it. Heavens, antibiotic resistance even exists with our pets because we take them off to the vet for medicine the moment their incredible bodies are in the process of doing what it does to cope with perceived adversity. Yes, I get it. We love our folk and we want to live as long as possible. But, look to Nature… nothing lives forever. And now we have way too many of our kind around living way longer than we ever did before, because of clever minds. And the environment is even worse off. And we are out of balance. We are unhealthier than ever before (yes, I am generalizing). Big Pharma is one of the richest entities in the world, and we continue needing chronic and acute medication. Nutrition is tainted by mass production to keep up with demand, and healthier food is more expensive and unhealthy food is cheaper. Our air is dirty, our water needs to be cleaned… I could go on, but I would not know where to stop. You get the picture.

Which brings me to Covid-19. I have so many questions. I do not think that this pandemic is a lie, but I do suspect that it could be a gross exaggeration. Or shall I say, that our response to it is grossly exaggerated.  If it really were, we would never know, because the world and all who are watching will have to keep this story going now. Too much is at stake revealing otherwise.  This, here, is under the microscope and we are looking so closely that we are no longer looking further.  

And now the swift rollout of vaccines for a vaccine technology that has been tested in a lab for years already, yes… but still. Are we really surprised that there are already a few mutant variants? Is this not great news for Big Pharma… a lifelong need to create updated vaccines for all the new strains which will evolve going forward? And these new, scarier mutations… are we not breeding them by our mercenary and merciless response to Covid-19…. “you are inconveniencing us, we shall kill you”? Is this swift roll-out of vaccines perhaps not driving mutations and increasing the speed and severity? And what is it with plasmids? I recall learning about these jumping genes who inform new more resistant strains of what they needed to change in themselves to evade adversity… I recall that they were mostly associated with bacteria and with DNA, but I also recall that they can work with viruses and RNA too, right? Could they be playing a role here, and how will it play out if this is so?

The balance in our human systems was upset by Covid-19, but we are upsetting it further and perhaps more drastically in our extreme response of ‘Leave us or Die!’.  Now cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and all the other things we need to manage medically does not exist anymore? The world is taking care of Covid-19, but in so doing neglecting a host of other important mankind maladies.  We are reacting viciously again, instead of asking ourselves: where did we go wrong and what have we got to learn from this virus? What is at stake here? Fear of possibly dying from a Covid-19 infection as opposed to starving to death, choosing death from severe depression, succumbing to the host of other conditions our livelihoods have bred and fed because we are too scared to leave our room and are discouraged to do so anyway? 

I cannot lambast the politicians… they simply must keep up appearances. I would not want to be in their shoes… trying to make the right decisions for the collective masses made up of billions and billions of unique individuals with different make-ups, circumstances, education levels, accessibility, beliefs, outlooks, emotional fingerprints, the works! How could they ever get it just right? They are trying to control something, keep the peace, do the right thing… with deficient and dynamic information lacking so much context. It is practically inconceivable. 

But my overtired, mommy brain… thankfully distracted with blissfully ignorant toddlers (and my priority of keeping them healthy, well-nourished, happy and buoyant) still occasionally ponders: should we not be letting go a little and let Nature, the, albeit ruthless, master of equalizing without any human intervention, just do its thing… and perhaps the virus will evolve in sync and we can live together in some kind of harmony down the line? And if Covid-19 is not destined to become mildly irritating co-habitant like the common cold or flu, then should we not realize that we may have created this from violating our fellow living creatures and pillaging our Earth and start showing the Universe, by example and with weapons down, that we can share and be respectful of all living things? 

Two wrongs do not make a right. I do not want to lose a loved one. But I do not want to lose a future either. I believe in BALANCE and I hope we can find it before the scale is irreparably shattered.    

Job-searching, teething and commas.

So, I have already broken my promise to myself. It’s been more than a few 'other' days since I last blogged, but, to be honest, my plate has been full and I am in the process of searching for part-time employment. This, alone, has been somewhat of a headache. I haven’t had to look for work for years, and never in Germany. And part-time, English-speaking work in my field makes my options even more elusive. My resume has always been an eyesore, mainly because I have worked at so many different places in varying capacities in my 21 years of ‘adulting’ post-graduation. It would have been so much easier to put together had I worked at, say, only 3 different companies/organizations for long terms.  And then there’s one of my overarching strengths: Attention to Detail, also a weakness when you’re trying to sell yourself in a fast-paced, time-pressed society where cognitive impatience is rife.

Then JJ has been teething badly again with severe sleep deprivation as a consequence... and while I don’t know if it has anything to do with my no longer having a thyroid gland, I do get periods of major exhaustion of late which I don’t have the opportunity to recover from.  But, I am not moaning, just fact-ing...

I have already had a few blogging ideas pop into my mind whilst en route somewhere in my frenetic days of human doing. One thing in particular I wanted to blog about had me worried if the ‘inspiration’ behind it would end up reading it and identifying themselves as the core subject matter. Not many know about my blog, and now I think it would be better if it remained anonymous so that I could use it as my objective space for subjective musings. This also got me thinking about whether or not I am, indeed, judgmental... although I do believe that it is our right to have opinions. We have to have opinions. With self-awareness, one understands that the human brain seems to be hardwired to have opinions. It is part of who we are and how we think, how we understand and gather information and what we believe in. And then I wondered, what is the difference between being judgmental and having an opinion... and I came across a cute explanation. “Having an opinion is a comma. Being judgmental is a full stop.” Having an opinion means that with a pause, someone or something could change it accordingly. It is open to education. Being judgmental is boxing someone to your way of thinking – not listening, not considering the other options or viewpoints... having an opinion that is set in stone, regardless.

So, I would like to think that I am leaning more towards having an opinion than being judgmental. I realize that which I see goes far deeper, and several truths are obscure and unbeknown to me. But, I do formulate opinions based on what I know or think I know... and process them by talking or writing about them. This helps me see the bigger picture and understand myself better. It is interesting to read about how I have reacted to something and then try to figure out why I reacted in this way.  What is it they say about hindsight? So... for future reference, the next time I combobulate my opinions on, this here, MY blog... please remember, it’s a comma. I am, in the final analysis, relearning me... little me, before the world made me noisy. 

Time to rediscover NEP

It’s been an age since I have written or read a book and I am starved of scintillating conversation, even with myself! A lot has happened since I started this blog and it was a lovely place to immortalize my thoughts and feelings and ‘let it all out’, which is cleansing and a complimentary psychology session in itself!  I can now mommy-blog with conviction being a mommy of a two year old girl and a three year old boy. I can blog about an emergency C-section and a VBAC. I can blog about almost losing an eye and how your heart jumps out of your chest on high doses of cortisone. I can blog about a total thyroidectomy and having to take pills now for the rest of my life, and waiting an hour before drinking my stalwart named Coffee. I can blog about learning that I have an unwelcome tenant in my brain that is not paying rent (officially dubbed a meniongioma) and not knowing what the hell to do about it. I can blog about being a South African currently living in Germany; an expat in Hamburg and the cultural adjustment on my part. I can blog about losing control and losing myself.  I have not had a shortage of bloggable reflections over the last few years but when I had the energy, I didn’t have the time, and vice versa... and sitting behind a computer being able to type uninterrupted, without little fingers pushing the computer’s buttons and yours, is a luxury, my friend.

Being in a new country with a foreign language, far removed from my well-established peeps who know me well and require no introduction, those loved ones who remind you of who you are and why you’re lovable... becoming a new mommy and experiencing chronic sleep deprivation and the indescribable loneliness that comes with baby-tending in their first 100% dependent year... I have kind of lost touch with my essence. I remember vaguely that I used to have some features that made me unique and/or special (well, in the eyes of those that love me back or employed me!) but I cannot for the life of me remember what they were/are! DJ and JJ, who bestowed the privilege of motherhood on me, leave me feeling rather ineffective at the best of times, bless their hearts!

So... its time to do what I know is good for me... write and read more. In today’s blog I solemnly swear to myself to FIND and MAKE time to blog every other day, even if it is just a few words, in the hopes of finding my crux again, what makes me tick, to find order in my thoughts, and to reconstruct my dreams in my new setting.  I don’t know how long my life is going to be, and I want DJ and JJ to also be able to read about me, their mother and their greatest fan forever, who is also a human being having her own imitable experience and response to it.

Just last night, I accidentally washed a disposable nappy with the laundry load in the washing machine. Last night I wanted to go to bed early as the night before was decidedly sleepless due to JJ being soaked and DJ being restless.

So, I did an evening load, possible thanks to a tumble dryer in the attic, which is an essential for at least half of the year here in Hamburg. When the load was done, I was just going to transfer it to the dryer and hit that pillow... but nay, trillions of gel beads from an exploded nappy had to be rinsed from the clothes; cleaned from the washing machine and removed from the kitchen floor. I did consult Professor Google, and despite the bad rap, I thank God for Professor Google... because not only did I get tips on how to clean up this mess and save the equipment, I also realized that I am not the only mommy who has done this. I am not alone. I am not an idiot. Well, I am not the only idiot. I am talented in making extra work for myself, somehow, thanks to an innate clumsiness that has followed me through life.

Which brings me to my next crossed thought for today... whilst realizing how my blogging subject scope has expanded thanks to my broadening life experience... my mind was cast back to Cape Town where I was a new graduate and struggling to find a job. I did some soul searching and aptitude tests to see where my strengths and interests lay in the hopes that I would find work channels best suited to me. One thing I have always been renowned for, in my friendships and the workplace, is that I am an uplifter (and I don’t even think this word exists). I have a bubbly personality in my natural state, and I like to make people feel good. I definitely carry a childlike innocence with me, even at the ripe old age of 44. It becomes clear when I am reminded of my prudishness... when I see an upsetting image or scene on social media or telly or Netflix, which these days remains far too explicit for me... and how it distresses me to the core!  I like people to be happy. I don’t like anyone to be sad or hurting. Perhaps stemming from bullying at school (the innocents always get picked on), I vehemently defend the underdog and remain an ardent advocate for the fragile psyche. I like to remind people of what’s good in them, because I see it so easily and why not bring it to the fore? Would the world not be a better place? Back to Cape Town, fresh out of university and job-seeking... I came across a company who provided motivational speaking services. I considered this and together with my public speaking skills I figured it would be an excellent fit for me, and I would love it and the meaningfulness it promised.  I went to speak to someone and they asked me a few questions: like, had I been abused or raped? Involved in violent crime? Am I disfigured or handicapped in any way? If not, then I don’t fit the bill of a motivational speaker. I needed to have had something really horrible happen to me to be an inspiration to others. Read that again! At that time, I found this hard to understand. Now, decades later, I can sort of grasp what they were getting at... that a more mature person with more life behind them, and experiences that would set most off course, would be more credible, relational, and perhaps effective as a motivational speaker. But still, I don’t believe we only get called-to-action by shock therapy, so to speak – by odious comparisons and that some people are far worse off than us, and thriving and making the best of life despite and in spite of it. This could well put us all on a subconscious guilt trip, and we all know what guilt makes us do. I think we actually need to shake this habit of comparing, because it’s an addiction. We shall need to compare perpetually to keep calibrating our compasses, and just as our fingerprints, no one is the same and no self-perceived trauma or problem is better or worse or more or less important than another’s.  In Dr Suess’ words, ‘Today you are You, and that’s Truer than True, and there’s no one alive who’s more Youer than You!” Now, read that again! Why are good friendships more important than anything in this world? Because true friends are uplifters. They remind you that you are just perfectly human as you, and you are lovable and important to them, and that... above all else, gives purpose and meaning to your life.

So... all the tangents of this post aside (and I don’t have the luxury of time to be a perfectionist here, so it’s slap down and post!), I just want shout out to my friends, familial, old and new, present, occasionally present and less occasionally present but pick-up-where-we-left-off present... thank you for uplifting me. Loving you IS the true purpose and meaning of my Life. The rest is livelihood; system entrenching, day-to-day, also-a-number, mortal to-do stuff; but you are the beat in my heart muscle and the spike in my ECG.

Nightmare on Paul-Honestly Street

I am going to share with you one of my personal horror stories... but not with the aim of singing Oh-Woe-Is-Me, nor garnering pity or sympathy and trying to make myself out as some kind of a Shero. I know that there’s always someone far worse off than I am, a story more horrible… but, for me, writing is cathartic. It helps me process what has happened to me, and that helps me pack it away as history and continue looking forward with renewed and positive fervor, ever grateful for the silver linings. By the same token, it may very well be that someone finds resonance in my story, and if I catch them early enough in their mirrored tale, I may just spare them the same fate and soften their landing on that ‘normal’ ground we take so for granted. There is always something to be learnt.

Prequel:

Apart from my whole 43 years of life and what’s gone down so far counting towards understanding the bigger picture, I am not about to write a tome (or two)… but a little relevant background is needed to add context and allow what I experienced to be wholly palpable. About 15 or so years ago I had pterygiums removed from both my eyes by an old Opthalmologist, who retired shortly after I believe. A pterygium is a pinkish, triangular tissue growth on the cornea of the eye. It typically starts on the cornea near the nose, but mine was unusually on the other side (I seem to be famous for ‘atypical’, but that’s another story!). It may grow slowly but rarely grows so large that the pupil is covered. Over the years, what looked like a little hole had developed in my right eye. I went to have it seen to, first in South Africa in 2013, fearful that it would make my melanin-poor blue eyes more susceptible to UV irradiation (and I had lost a friend to Melanoma Cancer not that long before, with them having found the primary tumour in his eye!). They said at that time that it shouldn’t be an issue as it was merely a thinning of the sclera because they had cauterized the blood vessels in that area, and that if the appearance of it bothered me I could have a patch sewn over it, but that the medical aid would not cover it because it was cosmetic surgery more than anything else. So I left it.

However… around 2015, that eye started bothering me. It was always dry and often irritated, as if something was in it. I used moisture drops extensively for relief. Fast forward to 2017/2018: I am currently in Germany and after running it by a GP, and then an Opthalmologist, I was later referred to an Eye Clinic where they took a photo and also told me all should be well and that they will check it again in a year, sending me off with better quality moisture eye drops.

October 2018

And then around a month later… a boring, stabbing pain began in my eye and it got very red. Three days later, after dropping my son off at Kita, I went to the Opthalmologist again with my 1 year old and waited for hours to be squeezed in for an emergency consult without an appointment. She said it looked bad and prescribed me some cortisone drops, promising that it should subside in 2-3 days. However, things just got worse. The pain moved towards excruciating (and I have endured my fair share of pain!), and despite painkillers, I just could not sleep. It was as though a hot, pulsing coal was nestled in my face. Getting up at 6am with two little energetic kids was quite a feat… but I simply had to carry on. Three days later I went back to the Opthalmologist, DESPERATE. I had to wait hours again for a squeeze-in and once she had examined my eye, she said that it had not gotten better and that this was now out of her scope of service. She recommended I present myself to the emergency unit at the local hospital as soon as I could.  And so, on the Friday, after the day’s to-dos were done, and the kids were in bed and the husband home from work, I took a bus to the local hospital to see if they could help me.

Little did I know that they would end up keeping me there for 12 days! The diagnosis was necrotizing scleritis, and they were afraid that I had an autoimmune disease because they could not explain the powerful inflammatory response my body was having.  In fear of losing my eye, they put me on cortisone infusions, driving it up to 1000mg a day in a desperate attempt to save the eye, which was practically melting! In the meantime, I was examined from head to toe, inside out, and had to speak with a Rheumatologist who didn’t rush to see me, I might add. Microbiological assessments were negative – it was not an infection. Blood work unremarkable, no overt sign of an underlying autoimmune condition as expected. The Rheumatologist had asked me to record a detailed timeline of my medical history so they could build the puzzle, and so I spent a couple of hours compiling this for him, as difficult as it was. Annoyingly, I never saw him again, and he never asked for the information I had painstakingly summarized on his behalf! At a loss, the Eye Doctors then started asking for details of my pterygium removal, so I was communicating with friends and family in South Africa asking them to try and get hold of the practice, and the information... but, as expected, details of the procedure had since been destroyed. Apparently, all patient data older than 15 years is scrapped.

They conducted an MRI of my head to assess the eye, and incidentally found a 2cm brain tumour (a meniongioma) behind the right eye in line with the ear, but apparently entirely unrelated to my eye pathology, so that finding was put aside for another time!  And, torso ultrasound confirmed recently discovered thyroid nodules (with a giant mass on my left side), which was also deemed unrelated to my eye and left for future follow-up.

I did not sleep at all during these 12 days... and this was the first time I really could have! I had somehow envisioned the luxury of kid-free time differently!  First I could not sleep because of the unbearable eye pain, and then I could not sleep because of the cortisone... all exacerbated by lying in a room in a loud ward (eye pathology shared with neurology) where no window could be opened. I went outside numerous times, just to breathe! The nights were HELL. I lay there in this stuffy, choking room, feeling my heart wanting to jump out of my chest... no sleeping tablets helped, nor my drops of pure essential lavender. I listened to all the sounds, and counted the ticks and tocks till breakfast. My bed was also so uncomfortable that it got to a point where I couldn’t tell which hurt more, my eye or my back and shoulder muscle tension. I suffered endless spasms and couldn’t find a position of comfort. Physiotherapy got approved, but all they did was put hot towels over my muscles for a few minutes! It was only comfortable to walk, and walk I did... no, more like pace. I was pacing, waiting, pacing, and waiting. I would then have to wait until I was summonsed down to the eye clinic for my daily visitation, and then sit there and wait hours to be called in, everything moving at a snail’s pace.

Finally, the jovial, young Chinese Eye Surgeon, who was overseeing my case but was wanted in a thousand different places all the time, considered sewing a patch onto my necrotizing pterygium scar, and I told him ‘Do it! Now, please! I cannot continue like this!’ Because, you see, I could not go on like this, and they could not keep me on such high doses of cortisone much longer anyway. I needed something to happen. I needed to feel like we were finally moving forward. I wanted to get back to my kiddies, my life, and my bed by an open window...

So, like a dog with a bone, I fought for my op. He told me not to eat the next day because he would try to squeeze me in between scheduled surgeries. The next morning, they brought me breakfast, and I declined saying, ‘ No, I won’t be eating this morning. I am getting operated on!’ The nurse went to check and came back to tell me that I am not on the list for surgery, and I said, ‘Well, that better change quickly because I am getting operated on today, come rain or shine! The doctor said so, so best you let them know that my surgery gets scheduled!’  And, yes... well, they didn’t like me because I turned into somewhat of a lioness. Anybody with a shred of empathy would have understood though... I had been cooped up in this unventilated limbo for long enough! Three roommates later, 12 days of concentrated sleep deprivation... I am a mother for God’s sake! Yes, I saw my kiddies daily in the playground near the hospital (which was also fortunately near our home, and my husband was able to take family sick leave). I didn’t dare bring my children into the hospital. Yes, I got permission to go home for a few hours the second weekend I was there because ZILCH happens on the weekends. Yes, I did get to sneak out and do big shopping for the tots to support my husband in his unexpected sole-caregiving stint. Yes, I could stay in regular contact via Whatsapp. But, I was at the end of my tether. My husband’s family leave limit had been reached and he really did need to get back to work. Enough was enough and an unproductive weekend was looming.

So, I fought for my operation. I was ‘in their face’ until they wheeled me down. The operation was a success, and although my eye will probably never look normal again, I still have it. The surgeon sewed a bovine membrane graft over the hole, and then took a piece of conjunctiva from my left eye and transplanted that over it to revascularize it. Amazing what they can do these days. And I can still see with it. My eye was saved, and my vision too... and that, by God’s Grace, is more than I could ever have asked for!

But... having said that, I don’t think I shall be returning to that hospital, when and if I need to be hospitalized again. I was nearly a doctor myself, and I have different standards for healthcare staff; much higher ones. Sure, I cannot paint them all with the same brush, there were and are the ones who are following a true calling. And I know, that perhaps the working environment is not always conducive to fostering patient empathy (and who knows what’s happening with them at home because they are people too), and that there are patients who can empty one’s trough of human kindness rather swiftly... But, while I don’t wish it on anyone, having to be rendered a vulnerable patient at the mercy of the healthcare system, I think one can only truly understand how important it is how one treats you when you are in this state once you have been a patient yourself. It’s terrifying. It’s uncomfortable. It’s unpredictable. It’s lonely. You’re helpless. It sucks.